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Julie Morrell, MFT

  
  

Category Archives: Relationships

How Self-Absorbed are you?

We all have to focus on ourselves at times to get things done and to take good care of ourselves. However there is a level of self-absorbtion that makes life difficult for those that live with the #self-centered person. If you bend toward self-absorbtion you will want others to be more perfect for you & do more things for you. It is crucial that we love & take care of ourselves – but that is very different from being extremely #self-absorbed. If you love yourself in a balanced healthy way then you accept who you are – but understand that you have flaws & that others do too. And if you forgive yourself for #sins you have committed in the past, then it will do you well to forgive others as well for the same.

We all have flaws, and we all have talents that make us unique. If you love yourself in a healthy way, you feel secure in yourself and your own accomplishments – and you won’t then look to others to give you self-esteem.

So how can you tell if you have healthy self-esteem or if you’re too self-absorbed and a bit too #narcissistic? The following questions can help you with this:

  1. Do you always need to be the center of attention? For example, do you dress in bold colours or in wacky styles so that other people notice and comment on your looks? Or, do you stoop to spreading gossip or doing crazy things to keep the interest and spotlight focused upon you? Or, does every conversation have to be about your interests and what you think other people SHOULD be doing– and you tend to switch off when others talk about their lives, and their interests?
  2. How do you deal with other people’ feelings? Do you put your feelings first and act as if that’s all that matters? Do you tend not to notice or ask how other people feeling? (or if you do, you view it as irrelevant)?
  3. What is your attitude to others, and their views? Do you tend to see yourself as always having the right answer, as being better than others, and deserving of respect? Do you tend to think that others are either wrong or stupid, or they’re less important or well-informed than you?
  4. How do you view your own problems and needs? Do you think that your problems and your needs are more important, or more urgent, or more serious than those of other people? Do you want all your problems to be sorted out right now – or else you’ll hyperventilate or get really mad? Is your spouse exasperated with your constant disapproval and critque of others? Do you demand that things go the way you think they should?
  5. Is your way always right, and your solution’s always best? Hence, no-one should argue with, or criticize, your thinking. Do you take it personally if others fail to realize how perfect your suggestions and your answers clearly are? Or do you get upset if others are not immediately responsive to you in the way you think they should be?
  6. Do you have a controlling personality? A self-absorbed person will usually want to control others, and likes to set the standards and rules in others’ lives. For example, how to cook, how to clean or how to drive a car. The controlling person is the one who sets the temperature for the room, if they are tense, other’s get tense. When people live with a controlling person eventually the controlled spouse or child will rebel and will want to run their own life. In short, they grow up.

Note: If several of these traits are applicable to you then it may indicate that you’re a bit too self- absorbed. Learn to relax your grip on others and focus more on being more kind & interested in others. Purposefully being kind to others creates a whole different more positive mind set. Not only will they like you better, you will like yourself better and feel more relaxed and less stressed.

If over the years people have eventually stop interacting with you , it might be because you lack #empathy & #compassion toward others. And perhaps you do not reciprocate kindness. And if you are prone to anger management problems along with cutting judgmental remarks & vibes people will avoid you. No one likes to be around someone who is self-absorbed, judgmental and critical. The nicest person will eventually find this trait tiresome. The antidote is kindness & compassion!

Have You Been ( or are you) in Love With a Narcissist?

Be on the Look Out for the signs of a narcissist below.

In the beginning of a relationship
1) They will pursue you relentlessly.
2) Smooth Talkers
3) Heavy with the Romance
4) Available to you in the beginning but will want to rush toward commitment.
5) Won’t take No for an answer
6) You often feel the emotion of confusion

In the middle of the relationships

1) They become less available.
2) They will start to criticize regularly your every move.
3) They will get upset over trivial matters & things.
4) You will carry the weight of the relationship responsibility
5) And if something goes wrong it’s your fault.
6) You are still feel confused, perhaps annoyed.
7) Things don’t make sense.
8) Your logical questions are not quite ever answered.

As the relationship continues

1) The relationship could become stable but it’s very unhappy for you most of the time.
2) Women (or men) often wait for the nice guy/gal to return & come back.
3) Which they will but only IF they feel they have lost you, & only then.
4) There is no concern to meet your emotional needs while you are invested in the relationship.
5) They continue to blow up over trivial matters & blow things you have done out of proportion.
6) There is no equal division of labor in the relationship, they want you to do it all.
7) If they get caught up in a hobby they will devote all their time to it.
8) Your needs are on the last on their priority list, and are never quite fulfilled.
9) Confusion & frustration is the main emotion for you in this relationship now.
10) You might see evidence of involvement with other people when you thought the relationship
was monogamous.

If you are in a relationship like the one I described above, my friend, you might be in love with a narcissist.

Narcissist are so confusing that they drive people into therapy to get counseling help for their distress. There are reasons why you picked someone like this, it might be worthwhile to get some professional help, to help alleviate your ongoing distress & confusion.